Thursday, January 26, 2006
Just close my eyes...
Things have gone from bad to worse. Yesterday was an awful day. Tension, fighting and tears. I cried myself to sleep and woke up this morning with puffy eyes.

I love my family but I'm ready to return to Germany. I'm hurting.

Also, My bestfriend called and she is back in the hospital. Her lupus had flared up again. I worry so much about her and I can't deal with the thought of losing her. It breaks my heart to hear about all the pain she goes through on a daily basis.

When times are like this, I close my eyes and imagine Eric beside me.... His hand covering mine and I feel comfort. I know his love is real, honest, and unconditional.

Eric: do you remember when this picture was taken? It was about a week or so ago. I was sitting the backseat staring out the window during the drive to The Dom of Koln. You were in the front seat with your Aunt. Suddenly you reached your hand across the seats and put it over mine. You looked at me and mouthed "I love you". You just rested your hand there for the rest of the ride. I remember how warm and comforting your hand felt on my thigh and how you stroked my palm. I snapped a quick shot of our hands together.

That's the picture.

I love you. Call me when you read this. I'll be awake.
posted by Clarity25 at 12:13 AM |


At January 26, 2006, Anonymous Emily 

I hope things get better for you. You can write me ANY TIME if you want to open up. I'm here. That's a beautiful picture too.

At January 26, 2006, Anonymous alice 

I know that feeling, it is the most aweful empty stomach exhausting feeling there is.
As soon as I met J I knew, before I even met him I knew that he was the one. I saw him and thought
"this is it"
We spent two weeks together before I moved home.
Then 7 months of being apart.
We saw each other as often as we could but in between it was the most wretched feeling of distance.
Now its almost 7 years later and we have barely been apart for more than a weekend.
Hang in there beauty.
You know my email if you need to vent.

At January 26, 2006, Anonymous Jenn 

I love that photo. AND I e-mailed you. ♥

At January 26, 2006, Anonymous Eric 

Just don't break down, my love. Hang in there not giving up, like someone stranded in the wilderness. Fight! Not the people around you, fight for the will to get through, don't even worry about elegance, just survival.

When you come we'll recharge you; with Wok& Roll, Love-making and the works!

When shit gets to much, it usually helps to take a walk, breath some fresh are, see the neighborhood.

Just clear your head. You'll sleep better. and make sure you catch some daylight!

I love you soooooo much! Iam here, I am thinking about You, I am sending you energy and angels to watch over you.There are forces you do not see , protecting you.

You are the most special person in my live, always forever. Can't wait to hold you in my arms.

At January 26, 2006, Anonymous Eric 

... and of course I know the moment that picture was taken.

Your discription of it almost made me cry, because I felt sooooo close to you reading it!

At January 26, 2006, Blogger Lerin 

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At January 26, 2006, Blogger Lerin 

I'm so glad to read about your daily happenings back in NY. But my heart breaks for you... I can't imagine being an ocean away from Adam. Hang in there, sweet Clarity!

At January 26, 2006, Anonymous Slighted J 

I'm very sorry Clarity. I hope we can understand each other better. Don't ever doubt me that I love you with all of my heart.

At January 26, 2006, Anonymous Tenshi 

^deleted comment? Who the hell is bothering you now? >_< *Tenshi gets all rilled up*

At January 27, 2006, Anonymous fifi 

Aaaw, poor you. I read somewhere that yesterday was officially the most depressing day of the year. (No I don't know who decides these things!) But I was blue, too. It doesn't matter whether you are in the US or Germany, or Japan. You two need each other.
Why not try somewhere that isn't "home" for either of you? You are busy thinking about the duties and obligations that you feel for friends and family. But your life is YOURS to live. Be happy.

At January 27, 2006, Anonymous Steph/Khya 

Hey Clarity, i'm sorry you are feeling down. I am too, I'm officially in depression, stupid after a holiday. I'm sorry i can't find words to cheer you up right now, but Eric's are wonderful, they made me feel better! So take care, life's not easy, but we must all soldier on. Just don't get to my point, talk to a person in whom you have 100% confidence, express yourself, cry, scream, let go and then continue your day!

At January 27, 2006, Blogger Nightmare 

I thought I posted something here as a Keep your chin up basic-ness, because I generally don't know what to say, and then I saw the deleted comment and I panic because what if I said something calous and shallow trying to be funny and now the whole world hates me?

Was it me? Did I fuck up? did I leave a note?

DAMN THOSE 80's!! I can't rememeber shit!

At January 27, 2006, Blogger MJW 

It's still not too late.

At January 27, 2006, Blogger Kathleen 


Remember that there are times when it's perfectly all right to make decisions that are best for YOU!

At January 28, 2006, Anonymous Xanti 

I'm sorry you feel so badly. It's not forever, though. You'll go back to Germany and you two crazy kids will enjoy every minute of your return, I'm sure. You just have to make it a little longer. ((Hugs))