Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I'm just...

My brother is still confined to the house and the judge just refused his request to attend college courses two times a week. He's crushed.

I'm angry, I feel sick, I feel...

Eric: Can you just call me when you read this? I need to hear your voice. There's something I need to talk to you about.
posted by Clarity25 at 11:23 PM |


At January 25, 2006, Anonymous reva 

When I was down in college, my mom would call and make grunting noises. I'd ask what she was doing, and she would tell me that she was hugging me really, really tight and I'd just need to imagine it. And somehow, I actually felt her arms around me. If you could hear me now, I'm grunting at you and hugging you really tight.

At January 25, 2006, Anonymous Tenshi 

My GOD you get up early.


Here, have my mother's wisdom: "It's always darkest before the dawn."

And now, I have to go to that crappy place I call work. *sigh*

At January 25, 2006, Blogger JulieU. 

While not ideal, your brother may be able to take online courses from fully accredited institutions and have them transfer to his school of choice once he's done with his confinement. I know a few universities here in Michigan that offer extensive online courses. It may be worth looking into.

At January 25, 2006, Anonymous Eric 

My love,

I am right here, thinking about you, every minute.

I like that quote at the top of your entry. It really shows the schizophrenia of this project called Life. We are so busy being ourselves. We look at life as if our personalities were real and all there is. As if our thoughts were a correct representation of reality. As if we could actually tell whether somethig is good or bad, what consequences an event really bears.

That is what causes all the pain and frustration. We never fully realize that we do not know. We take one event, one moment, one thought, we rip it out of context. We never include all of the other people, all sentient beings, all of life and creation. We live in the moment, but don't see all that a moment really is. Our mind is small. And when we try to see the all-of-it we see less and less.

That's what makes the beauty of our relationship. When I am with you, when I feel the beauty and vastness of your heart, when I feel that you let me be who ever I am, all effort falls away. I stop trying to do anything. I stop caring who I am or what I can or have accomplished. I just float in space and time. I become my own true self and essence. It is what you do for me. Because there is no judgement, no demands. Just love.

That is rare - precious. That is what you do!!! - So it's not true that we can never get out. We just don't know how to stay in that place or how to feel that way with everybody. How to trust enought to only love, to only see perfection. Perfection even in War, environmental destruction, and world hunger.

Think of what Ram Dass said. As long as he gets up in the morning and doesn't know how to say "good morning" to the picture of Kasper Weinberg (the Donald Rumsfeld under Ronald Reagan) and mean it, he knows how much spiritual work he's still got cut out for him.

Don't despair. You have come a long way. Longer than average Joe can hope to cover in five lifetimes. That is something really good to built your trust on.

I love you. You make me a better person, through your example - every day!!!!!

At January 25, 2006, Anonymous Eric 

And btw.: Tenshi's mother is really wise!

At January 25, 2006, Anonymous Alice 

Most Universities offer online courses. I know the University of Toronto does.

I started reading Eric's comment and almost started crying so I stopped, no wonder you miss him like crazy!

I used to cry all the time over things that I couldnt change. Then one day I realised that I had to focus all that sadness and anger into something else that perhaps I could change. It helps a bit but I still get frustrated over things I cannot change no matter what I do.
Stay strong.

At January 25, 2006, Anonymous Autum 

okay, my first thought: when will that judge die?

but, then i felt (kind of) guilty for thinking that. i like what tenshi's mom says. but, i know it's hard.

secondly, i have really enjoyed reading eric's writing here. i remember you said he didn't want to blog because it's not his thing. he's crazy. he says everythign very well. i can see (again) how you two are so perfect for each other! :o)

At January 25, 2006, Anonymous Jenn 

I'm sorry about your brother's asshole judge. WHAT is his problem? My brother did MUCH worse things and while he was in prison he got his GED and took colleges courses... on the state's dime. So how can that judge refuse to let your brother better himself? What a total nut.

The thing is, this judge... he probably dislikes your brother not because of your brother himself but because he reminds the judge of someone who pissed him off before. Did that make sense? I think this is an example of someone letting the personal get in the way of the professional. I hope Jay's case gets transferred to a new judge soon.

Also... you and yours are in my prayers (my version of prayers anyway). ♥