Thursday, August 31, 2006
"I could not count the times during the average day when something would come up that I needed to tell him, ... This impulse did not end with his death.

....What ended was the possibility of response."

-Joan Didion


It's been a while since I went.

Mostly because it's too painful and I don't like the cemetery.

It's around the corner from my house. The *only* thing that's walking distance in the residential area we live in.

This time my youngest sister wanted to tag along. She rode beside me on her pink scooter.

"Whose grave are you visiting, again?"

"My ex-boyfriend"

"Did I ever meet him?"

"Yes, You wouldn't remember him. You were only 3 years old the last time you saw him but he used to make you giggle".

Amber squinted her eyes and stared off into space. I could see she was trying to form a mental image in her mind of his face and was coming up blank.

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"What did he look like?"

"Dark brown hair, warm big brown eyes and he was tall. He had a great smile...He was my first love".

"How did he die?"

I didn't answer. I was trying to find the right words to explain but I didn't need to. She remembered.

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"But Why?" She asked after a long silence

"I don't know"

"Did you cry alot?"


"Do you still miss him?"


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"Why is that pile of dirt there?"

"It's an open grave...don't get too close to the edge"

"They throw the body in that hole?"

"the body is put in a casket and then lowered into the hole with a machine"

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We reached him.

I put a single daisy on his grave and ran my finger over the carved letters of his name. My sister watched in silence.

We walked home together.

During the walk my sister told me about the last sleepover party she went to. Her voice filled with youth, innocence and cheerfulness. "So THEN we found this frog behind the pool! A real frog! It was so small and brown and Andrea said..."

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"Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean."
-David Searls

"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other."
-Leo F. Buscaglia
posted by Clarity25 at 2:16 PM |


At August 31, 2006, Blogger kschic 

It's wonderful that you can visit his grave though. Even that is too much for people to bear sometimes.

As for Amber, ahhh, the innocence of youth! That was nice she went with you.

At August 31, 2006, Blogger Brandy 

I know that must have been hard for you.

Those are wonderful photos btw, they really capture a feeling.

At August 31, 2006, Blogger Ms. Live and Let Live 

That was beautiful... painful, but beautiful. I wish I could give you a hug.

At August 31, 2006, Anonymous portia 


At August 31, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous 

Wow. Powerful bittersweet entry and beautiful photographs.

I'm sorry, C. Even after years, the pain never really goes away.:(

At August 31, 2006, Blogger Jenn 

I love the photos in this entry. I've always found cemeteries fascinating. We walk down to the cemetery nearby quite a bit. I still have a hard time visiting my dad's grave though and it's been almost 17 years since he died. ♥

Amber is a sweetheart.

At September 01, 2006, Blogger Crystal 

This is a powerful entry and the photographs make it even moreso.

At September 01, 2006, Anonymous Vicola 

Cemetaries are painful places, all credit to you for going along and for still caring after all this time.

By the way your sister sounds lovely!

At September 01, 2006, Blogger Kathleen 

I think I needed this to help me a little perspective on life. I'm not saying it worked right away, but I hope to get back on an even keel and this will make me do that. Thanks.

At September 01, 2006, Blogger cloudy 

so sad, yet lovely. Poignant.

At September 01, 2006, Blogger chillier 

Thank you so much for this entry Clarity. I was just sitting here at my desk at work, grinding on my car problems and money problems and wanting to scream and cry and blame someone else for the things that go wrong and...
I read your entry and thought, "You know, is it really so bad?" and I feel so much better. Thank you thank you thank you.

At September 01, 2006, Anonymous dom 

i guess i'll be the one to ask what happened? my curiosity gets the best of me. up to you if that's too much to share.

At September 02, 2006, Anonymous Indeepsilence 

All about your entry has been said. But there's one question left for me : I wondered about the gravestones just standing there inmidst the meadow ... without a grave ? Is that so in America ? I like the idea somehow.

At September 02, 2006, Blogger Tara 

I can't believe it's been 7 years. It seems like just yesterday.

At September 05, 2006, Blogger Sarcomical 

this is so touching. thanks for sharing that bit of yourself. ;)