I usually carry my camera with me everywhere....

But the one time I wished I had it the most... is (of course) the one time I didn't have it on me. But maybe that was meant to be. This way I would be entirely in the moment and absorbing the experience. Instead of trying to record it and viewing it behind the lens of a camera.

Yesterday was a complete surprise.

Ever since Fiona Apple's debut album back in 1996, I loved her music. Her lyrics carried me through some of my darkest and happiest moments. For 10 years I wanted to see her live on stage, but I didn't have any expectations of this actually occuring. When I discovered that she would be performing in New York on June 22nd 7:30 P.M., I started trying to figure out a way to make it happen.

But with no tickets to this concert and extremely limited finances. It didn't look like it would be happening. The lowest price for a ticket available online started at 75 dollars a piece. (way out of my price range)

That didn't stop me from leaving the house on a whim at 7:15 yesterday with my sister, Laura and Eric with the hopes of just HEARING it. I knew that Nikon theater was open air and that the music drifted over Jones Beach. You can hear it over the sounds of the crashing surf. I was content to just stand outside, close my eyes and pretend I was inside. I figured we could drink, sing along and walk across the shore. It could be a once and a lifetime opportunity. Who is to say when she would tour again and even if she would? It seemed crazy, since it was pouring rain. We knew we had a long drive to look forward to and dark threatening clouds loomed overhead.


I didn't care if it WAS crazy, I had my mind set. Carpe Diem.

Damien Rice was the opening act and when we arrived he was wrapping up his performance. I could hear the violins and his gentle voice as soon as we stepped out of the car at 8:25 P.M., The rain had stopped.

"Maybe we should just see if there are any tickets available..." I said to Eric "Just check out the prices.."

That's when we were approached by a family group led by two older men with dark hair. "Do you need tickets?", the man asked "I have 2 tickets... best seats in the house. They're worth a hundred each. Those friends didn't show, We're about to go in right now... I don't want to miss Fiona. This is her stepfather." He pointed to the man beside him. The man smiled kindly.

I have to confess. I was skeptical. I didn't want to be played for a fool. My sister muttered with a smirk "oh yeah, I'm friends with Fiona too.."

"Are those real tickets?", I gazed down at the crumpled up "e-tickets" printed out from the internet. It looked like a scam to me.

"Yes, It would be shame for them to go to waste." Fiona's "Stepfather" said. "We'll walk in with you, but if you want them... you'll have to go in now."

"But we're a group of three", I said protectively taking Eric's hand. "I'm not leaving him out of the loop"

"I'm afraid I only have 2 tickets" He said shaking his head regretfully. "Nevermind, I figured I would give it a shot. We have to head in now"

Eric quickly said "Would you take 20$ each for those 2 tickets?"

"Yes, sure", Fiona's stepfather responded "That would be fine but I really need to go in now. I can't miss this show.."

"Eric we're not leaving you!", I interjected

"Clarity.." Eric said looking into my eyes. "Take those two tickets, You and your sister go inside. I will meet you in there. Just go. Don't let this once and a lifetime opportunity go to waste."

I hesitated. "No..we'll just wait for 3 tickets and then-"

"GO!", Eric urged.

I gave him a passionate kiss and he squeezed my arm with a smile. We followed the men behind the gates, into the concert arena. Then we thanked them and we separated.

"We're in!!!", I was still in a state of disbelief. I didn't even imagine getting in at all..and not for such a cheap price. It seemed a little too good to be true. "Okay... let's see where these *supposed* "best seats in the house" are actually located"

We found the right section, and we were greeted by Guard after Guard. Each one directed us closer and closer to the stage. I gave my sister a side-long glance of surprise. The final guard led us directly up to the stage..in the CENTER...and placed us in the second row. We sat down in utter shock. Never in my life was I this close in a concert... Damien Rice was performing his last song. He was only feet away from us..we had a clear view of him up close, the entire stage.. This was V.I.P.!

At the start of Intermission Fiona's stepfather approached us. "Do you like the seats?"

I was speechless. I started thanking him and expressing my shock. He smiled "Enjoy the show" and went to the aisle across from us.

It's hard to even describe my euphoria...I can't. I thought I was dreaming...

Fiona Apple came onto the stage slowly. Her head was down, hair hanging over her face and she was in shadow. She walked timidly and sat down in front of the piano. She cleared her throat like a mouse... Everyone was silent.

Then she began to slam her powerful fingers down on the piano with such force and passion. Her Gusty voice carried. It was windy outside, (the remnants of the passing storm) and her hair flew around her face. She trembled when she sang and she put her entire heart into it. It was so raw..She didn't just play her piano, she hammered it, beat it, slammed it.


When she stood up to the microphone, she had such a presence. Her dress was moving with the wind and she was only 5 or 6 feet away. She screamed like Janis Joplin, whipped her microphone cord back and forth. She danced like a teenager does in their bedroom when they think no one is watching. Head back, arms out...thrashing, kicking...with her eyes closed. She fell to the floor and slammed it with her fists. Sometimes she was fluid in her movements and almost in slow motion but othertimes she was jerking, shaking and raging. It was spontaneous, real, in the moment and emotional outbursts. When she sang about joy...you felt it it. When she sang about sorrow...you felt your own chest ache. You couldn't tear your eyes away, you couldn't even breath.

The passion and pain in her voice brought tears to my eyes. To see her performing live all these songs that accompanied the events in my life..

I was a teenager again..and then I was in college again..I was re-living the pain of my first break up..the flush of first love.. the agony of death...Her performance was heartstopping. It was like witnessing a breakdown and witnessing ecstacy. We were so close that I thought I have to be watching this on T.V or I was hallucinating. It was surreal. (Dom witnessed Fiona Apple performing in the same tour earlier this season in Chicago, Click here to read his entry on the experience)


But the moment that really knocked the wind out of me was this..


She began talking to the audience..and she said "Tonight is a special night for me. Someone very special and dear to me is in the Audience today. My Stepfather is here. Please cheer for him"

She called out to him, and sure enough...Our ticket seller answered her, with a pet name "Feanut". She started laughing and pointed to him. "There you are!"

Laura and I slowly turned to eachother in shock. It WAS her stepfather!

She made references to him all through out the rest of the show.

At the end of the show, Her stepfather called out to us. "You didn't believe me, did you?", He teased.

I smiled at him. I pressed my hand over my heart and cried out "THANK YOU". Then I blew him a kiss with both hands. He smiled back. It just goes to show you, sometimes you have to trust in the good of people and believe.

Then we headed out.

We met up with Eric outside (It turns out: He was able to see the show as well and enjoyed it, but he was seated in a different section) "WHAT?! wait a minute...So that really WAS Fiona's stepfather and he spoke to you afterwards?! Why didn't you hang out with him and go backstage to meet her!? He would have taken you, He seemed like such a cool guy! I can't believe you blew that opportunity to meet your favorite singer!"

"I wanted to get back to you. An experience like that wouldn't have felt right without you, besides I'm happy I was able to see that concert. THAT close..it was a dream come true. I didn't need more. I haven't felt this happy in a long time."

But all the praise Fiona Apple heaped on her Stepfather rang true. He's a wonderful man and he made it possible for me to have the time of my life.

Thank you Robert.

My sister and I used to listen to Fiona Apple in her bedroom. We would sing along, drink, talk about life and sometimes just lay on the floor. We grew up together with her music and this meant a lot to both of us.

These haven't been the easiest times for us lately, but I think this marks the beginning of a turn around. The bliss from last night's concert hasn't faded, even though it's the next day. I realize I'm here in New York for a reason. My experience here is important.

It's been a really rocky road, But when all is said and done....It's good to be home.
.

This is Fiona:


For a long time I simply called her "Evil Cat" and the name fit.

About 2 and a half years ago my brother's ex-girlfriend bought her into the house. She was a stray kitten from an animal shelter. We were just going to nurse her back to health and return her to the shelter for adoption. My youngest sister fell in love with her and she ended up staying in my family's home.

She had this habit of hiding under the bed while you were sleeping. I would wake up in the morning, drop my feet over the edge of the bed and a little black paw with gleaming claws would swipe me. The scratches on my ankles bled and swelled up. She stalked everyone in the house like a little panther. She hid only in the shadows and waited to pounce. It was unsettling.


Once I was on the computer and she lept at me from across the room. She dug her claws into my back and slid down. I started screaming in pain. Everyone in the house has battle scars on their body from Fionna.

As she grew out of her "Mischevious Kitten years", she began to calm down a bit. She stopped hunting us. She began to cautiously approach members of the household while purring and looked at us with wide accepting eyes. We would pet her and as long as we didn't touch her stomach, she wouldn't scratch. But the minute our finger grazed over an area that she didn't want (which changed on a daily basis), she would extract the claws or bite.

I can actually lift her up now and she doesn't attack me. However, she still has a number of issues.

1. She's skittish and fearful. If you approach her, she will bolt away. She moves so fast away that she often crashes into the wall trying to escape even though we're just trying to pet her nicely. How do you get a cat to trust you? Did anyone else have a pet like this? How did you overcome their fears and build a bond? How can you get a cat to relax? There must be a way.

2. She still scratches and bites. Is there anyway to train her not to do this without having to remove her claws? She doesn't attack guests or anything. She mostly hides in corners from them, but at night she has been known to chew on our feet. (and it's not the greatest way to wake up)

Fiona was discovered as a helpless newborn kitten on the side of the road crying. Apparently the litter had been abandoned by the mother or the previous owner I know her behavior has a lot to do with her background.

She gets along fine with Michael. In fact, One night we heard her screaming at the bathroom window. These extremely loud cat sobs. When we opened the front door, Michael came in. He was soaking wet from the rain. Apparently he had wandered out when the backdoor was left open and was accidentally locked out. She alerted the entire household of this. She is extremely attached to him.

She also has a "special" relationship with Percy, but I'll get into that another time.....

*this is a rare close up candid shot of Fionna. It was difficult to get. It required moving extremely slowly and easing up the camera over the edge of the sofa soundlessly. It's a one shot deal with her. The minute she hears the click, she bolts.*

Her unique cat talent:. In the early morning hours, she sits by the kitchen windows watching the birds and makes bird sounds. She actually chirps. It's the weirdest thing.

*****

Thank you for your advice on Michael (see previous entry). I wrote all the suggestions down and I'm going to try them all. I really appreciate that. I'll let you know how that goes.

The one suggestion we received the most was to take a waterbottle and spray him when he tries to knock over a cup.

We tried this years ago and discovered that it didn't help at all. In fact, he enjoyed it. He leaned towards the nuzzle and turned around so we could get his back as well. He loves water and he tends to step into the shower with us. We have to shoo him out. I told you that he's strange.

That's Michael


6 years ago Eric and I were sitting in his dorm room apartment in Florida and this kitty was tossed inside.



He was just a kitten at the time. He wobbled on his feet and fell over in front of us. He was simply this tiny ball of fur with big eyes. It was like a crawling and trembling little gray dust mop

"I heard you wanted a cat", The girl said (I couldn't tell you her name, because I never found out) "This was a part of our litter, I call him Mika. He's a little...slow. *one second pause* I have to head to class now. Bye"

And that was it. We never saw her again and we had a new pet kitten.

He became our baby and we named him Michael. Growing up I always wanted a pet cat, but I wasn't allowed to have one. This was a dream come true. Eric never had a cat before either so we were beginner parents. We watched as he ran into glass doors, fell off shelves and drank out of our cups. He was different from other cats.

He slept in bed with us, rolled on his back and purred as we pet his belly. He never scratches or bites. When he wants attention, he just taps you gently with his paw.

But like every pet in this house, He has some issues. I know that a lot of my friends reading this also have cats. So maybe you can offer some advice.

1. He knocks over any and every glass of liquid in the house. If there is a vase filled with flowers, He will tip it over with his paw. He knocked over my sister's fishtank and we found him watching the flopping fish gasping on the counter. If you leave a cup on the table and walk away...he will knock it over. We've yelled and screamed at him. He just runs off and then stares at us from the corner in confusion. I don't know what to do about this.

2. He overeats and then throws up. He just eats and eats. We have two cats and sometimes he will devour both servings. Then 20 minutes later, he's hacking it up. It appears that he's bulimic. (?) I'm really worried about him. This is a new development. It's been going on for about 5 or 6 months. Maybe it's because he is getting older and needs a different kind of food. I just wish I knew a remedy for this. I tried feeding him less and that didn't work.

3. He has long long hair. Despite brushing him every day, sometimes twice a day... he sheds. Everywhere. It's a lot of vacuuming on a constant basis.

Any advice? He gets so much love...well, at least from Eric and I. (the rest of my family never really warmed up to him) He seems so content all of the time.

Another one of Michael's distinct characteristics is his penetrating stare. He will just stare at you and never break the gaze. You have to look away first.


When I get out of the shower, he intensely observes me from the windowsill. When I'm eating I glance up and there is Michael watching. At night, I open my eyes and see him staring from the other side of the room. Unblinking. Our guests always say "Um..you pet cat followed me into the bathroom and watched me the whole time I was on the crapper. Kind of freaked me out." I wish I could read the mind of our cat.


Even though Michael has his share of strange quirks. Eric and I couldn't imagine our life without him

Here is an older entry from my diary. It was written in Germany on April 11th 2005.

******

Nightmare54 asked me capture my whole "view of life" in a photo.

This is it.



I know what you're thinking. "But Clarity, That's just some homeless person ..how depressing."

Since this isn't your standard picture of a beautiful butterfly or a rainbow to represent life, I guess I need to explain.

Last week I was in town during lunch break and I decided to stop at the Potato Kiosk and buy some wedges with sour cream and Asian salsa to go. It's a little treat I like to give myself sometimes. The wedges are warm, crispy on the outside and soft inside. The sauce is amazing and it comes with this snazzy little colorful fork.There is always a long line to wait on because it's a popular spot.

I sat down on the bench in the center of the city and just decided to enjoy the warm weather while eating my meal.

This homeless woman came up and started rummaging through the trashcan to the right of me. She was searching for food and mumbling to herself quietly how hungry she was.

I was in the middle of taking my first bite and the wedge was only inches from my lips. I gazed over at her and then at my wedges.

I felt this tug on my heart looking at her going through the trash. She glanced over at me briefly and I saw that look of real hunger in her eyes. It was a look I have never had on my own face. I've never seriously gone hungry before in my entire existance. Even when we were broke, we always had some kind of food. (Even if it was only Ramen noodles). I also know that if things ever got really bad, my mother is only a phone call away. She would wire me money at the drop of a hat. I wouldn't have to search through a garbage can, averting my eyes from the stares of passerbys.

This woman didn't have that luxury.

I handed her my potato wedges. "here, you can have this..", I told her in German

She took it gratefully. "Oh god bless you. You have many wonderful things heading towards you in life. I see this, you know. I see this.", she said smiling. Then she walked over to a little spot next to the staircase leading into the underground tram station. She sat down and began to scoop the wedges rapidly into her mouth, barely stopping to breath.

I returned to the office because I couldn't afford to buy more wedges and compared to her..I wasn't that hungry.

Today, I was in town again heading to the post office to send out another card for Colleen when I heard

"Blond girl!! Blond girl!!"

I turned and saw the homeless woman sitting in that same spot. She was gesturing for me to come over.

I approached her and she pointed to the camera slung around my neck. "You can take a picture of me", she said.

"I don't have anything to give you today", I said regretfully. "I'm sorry..My pockets are empty"

"No no..it's free. No money", she said brushing my last sentence away with her hand. "I want you to take a picture of me..for other people to see. You understand what I mean, don't you?"

I didn't.

But I nodded anyway.

I snapped 3 photos. She started to laugh and then began to sing softly. She seemed so happy in that moment..

The sound of her singing followed me when I waved goodbye and continued on my way to the post office.

Now you could just dismiss this woman as your average "crazy Schizo homeless bum"

But I think it goes a little deeper than that. She was singing and she was laughing despite her circumstances. She has NOTHING and she's still smiling. She's appreciating life and she's in the moment. Some of the wealthiest people in the world can't even do that. She figured something out, a secret that she's privy to. The meaning of life, the meaning of happiness. Life is fleeting and you have to just be happy whereever you are right now. Even if it's not the life you imagined.

Also My view in life is to give as much as you can, whenever you can because whatever you put out there will come back to you in life. Sometimes it's hard to suspend judgment, sometimes it's hard not to get caught up in a drama, sometimes it's frustrating to stop for someone in need because you have somewhere to go. Sometimes it's scary to give too much.

I don't have much money or many material items to give. I just have myself, so I open up and share that here. Sometimes that's scary, because I'm opening myself up for judgment and putting myself out for others to see my flaws. That sometimes leaves me feeling very vulnerable. But when someone leaves me an E-mail saying that their friend is also suffering from Lupus, they have a loved one in jail or a relative overseas in Iraq, that something I said they could relate with or made them feel less alone in their own struggles. Then I realize it's worth it.

I would be writing this even if noone were reading because I've kept diaries all my life, the difference is that this one isn't wedged inbetween my mattress but out there for the world to see. You can read it if you choose to, if you don't agree with my views..you have the choice to stop clicking on this journal link.

I keep thinking back to that encounter with that woman today. I remember turning around and seeing her smiling. People were moving past her rapidly with tense expressions and wearing business suits. They were in a rush to get back to the office from their lunch breaks, looking stressed and unaware of their surroundings. There she was in the center, without a home and surrounded by trash..but she was singing. She was in the moment.

I think I understand what she meant now.

Here is her picture, I'm posting it in my diary.."for everyone to see".


(This was taken a moment before she burst out laughing.)

Look into her eyes. That's my view of life.

Have you ever received a gift that moved you to the point of tears?

My friend Karen dropped by the other day and gave me this:



It's my favorite book. I owned this once in my life when I was 18. I found it at a thrift shop. I lost it and wasn't able to get it again. It's discontinued. Karen managed to find the first printed edition from 1969. I held it in my hands in disbelief and started crying. (which probably wasn't the response she was expecting). I was just so touched and it meant so much to me to have it again. Somehow she knew exactly what it was that I really needed right now. A reminder of who I am and what I want from life. This is a book about love. It's about overcoming personal boundaries and letting go of your fears.

Thank you Karen. Thank you for pulling the paintbrush out of my hand and getting me out of the house. Thank you for being my friend and lifting me up when I was down.

Everyone has been so caring and understanding. I appreciate all of my friends online and offline even when I can't find the words to express it adequately. I just haven't really been myself lately. I'm sorry. This hasn't been the easiest adjustment for us. It's hard to return to your hometown again after over 8 years. I know I've been difficult to reach. When I get into a slump, I distance myself from everyone until I can work through it on my own.

But I'm coming around.

I've been busy this past week. I'm in the process of renovating the house and completing portrait jobs. My goal is to finish all of them by the end of this month and send them out together. A few people asked if I'm accepting new commisions. I will be once I have all my current ones in the mail.

This is what I'm working on at the moment. I snapped a photo of my art table. I usually don't post work in progress but I guess it's interesting to see the process involved. .



I have to get back to work....

Germany is out of the World Cup Championship....

They lost to Italy. 2-0. Italy scored 2 goals in the last minute and 30 seconds of overtime. It was utterly crushing for us! Eric was in shock. It was a major downer for us yesterday and I'm sure all of Germany was upset.



Of course, that's the nature of the game. You win some, you lose some. The Italian team was happy though, as you can see from the below image.



....Also my brother's girlfriend, the fans driving through the streets of Manhattan waving the Italian flags and all of Italy.

C'est la vie.

so...Congratulations Italy.

This is my first year really following the World Cup (or any sports event for that matter) and my first taste of real disappointment.

That marks the end of our "World Cup Fever", but I'll continue watching to see who wins.

****

After the game we went into Manhattan to see a broadway play.


The last broadway play I saw was "Into the Woods" during a 3rd grade field trip so this was really exciting for me. I know some people can afford to do this on a monthly basis, but for me it's kind of a once or twice in a lifetime thing.



We went to see "The Faith Healer" with Ralph Fiennes.



We had orchestra seats close to the stage and right in the center. I felt a thrill to see Ralph Fiennes emerge into the lights because I love his films. The play consisted of a series of monologues and it feels like the actor is speaking directly at you. He peers intensely into your eyes and it's magical to see a riveting live performance. It was a small intimate theater.


It was a really moving, unsettling and haunting show. It leaves you wondering at the end "What...happened?". If anyone saw this show, I'd be curious to know what you thought or what your theory is about the meaning of the ending. It has you pondering and reflecting long after the curtain closed.

It was nice stepping out afterwards and seeing heart of New York City filled with life. It was the fourth of July and there was so much energy in the air.


Despite the disappointing game results, we had a great night.

Eric is pacing right now. There is a lot of nervous energy in our house.

It's half-time. We're watching the Germany vs. Italy Semi Finals game.

My whole family is absorbed and we're sitting on the edge of our seats. It's 0-0 right now and it's head to head.



Eric was clenching my hand tightly during this game. This is the big game. If Germany wins they go onto the finals... if they lose. They're out. Berlin has a mile of fans screaming on the street and streets of Rome are overflowing with frenzied supporters as well. I know all my friends in Germany have their phones off the hook and are glued to their television sets.


Directly after this game, we're rushing into Manhattan to catch a broadway play for the fourth of July. (all tickets were half-price - a holiday special) So I wont be updating with the results.

If Germany wins, you can be assured that Eric will be crying tears of joy, screaming on the top of his lungs and we'll be partying hard tonight...

If we lose... He'll go into the corner of the room and cry tears of grief.

If you're reading this and the game is still on. Turn on your T.V.'s and root for Eric's home team!!!:)

And Happy Fourth of July!!

The game is back on! So...That's all for now!

Good News: We received Eric's *official* Green Card in the mail today.

He actually held the sacred card in his hands and we crowded around to view it in awe. It's not green. There is a green hologram stripe on the backside, but that's all. It's about the size of a New York States Drivers license.

The coveted Green Card.

.......FINALLY!

*******

Sad News: England is out of the World Cup Championship.


That game was heartbreaking for me to watch.


This is a sad day for England. Even Posh Spice was crying in the audience.

I was so upset this afternoon. I was rooting for them.

Image of the day (For Michelle):


David Beckham embracing Portugal's luis Figo after the game. Not only is he handsome + a great soccer player. He's also a good sport. It was a really emotional and intense game.

USA = out
Australia = out
England = out

France surprisingly beat Brazil today! They played an incredible game.

Brazil = out

Eric was in a state of shock.

So now it's down to Germany, France, Italy and Portugal.

I can't remember the last time in my life I was this absorbed in a sporting event.