Friday, May 12, 2006
Should I stay or should I go
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That's a photograph of Eric (in the middle of snapping the photograph of those tadpoles he posted in the previous entry) at the swamp close to his childhood home last weekend.

It's Clarity again. It's been a while since I've updated here. The truth is I haven't had much of a motivation or desire to post photos of my daily life. I've been feeling pretty low. We've kind of hit a financial rock bottom and for the first time I felt real fear. It's been a rough week.

As you probably figured out from Eric's guest entry we FINALLY received our interview invitation for the Green Card.

Unfortunately it was later than promised. I had a ticket already booked to return to America tomorrow and the interview is scheduled for next week. The ticket is non-refundable and I've spent most of this week pleading with the airline company with little success. I've been beating myself up about this, calling everyone and trying to fix this situation. We can't afford to lose this ticket. I have to get on that plane but if I take this flight I leave Eric in a precarious situation.

I have to find an English notary this afternoon for some new documents I need to sign in front of a witness for the consulate. We're having a hard time. I'm filled with fear that something will go wrong next week, that I should accompany him as we had planned. What if something goes wrong and I'm forced to fly back into Germany?

When circumstances arise that go against your orginal plan, you have two choices. Go with the new circumstances or swim against the current. Swimming against the current takes a courage and financial means that I don't have. We've struggled enough, maybe it's time to just let go. I have no other option.

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*****

This afternoon we were sitting together on the city hall steps in town trying to figure out what to do.

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"Should I stay or should I go?"

"How does that Clash song go?", Eric asked

"Should I stay or should I go...
If I go there will be trouble
If I stay there will be double."

I guess that answered my question. My bags are packed.


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Tomorrow I'll change my photoblog profile from Germany to New York. My days in Europe have come to an end. If I get sentimental about this, I'll only start to cry again. I've said all my goodbyes.

Sometimes you have to just give up. But before I do, I'm going to call the airline company one last time to see if I can change the ticket date. Then I'll surrender entirely to the circumstances and pray.

I hate leaving Eric like this right now and having him attend that interview alone next week. We've waited 5 months for this, if something goes wrong... we would have to start it all over again. I have a bad feeling about this.
 
posted by Clarity25 at 10:29 AM |


18 Comments:


At May 12, 2006, Anonymous niki 

Charming and touching photo of Eric in the swap...really it is. Look at the positives...you get to see your family tomorrow! How fantastic is that!?! Things will work out in the end Clarity...just hang in there a little bit longer. My heart sincerely goes out to you in your time of seemingly distress. The two of you are survivors...I can just tell. :) Side note...I anxiously am waiting for pictures from NY...my favorite state! Obvious since my daughters name is Brooklyn:) Ok...have a safe journey and just know my thoughts are with you both...

At May 12, 2006, Blogger Tara 

Good luck Clarity and Eric!!

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous 

Decision made, there is no right and no wrong, just choices. Fingers crossed for you both but I'm sure things will work out! :)
kristina

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous Megan 

It's not too late. You don't have to take that flight. You can stay with your husband for the interview. You'll figure out a way if that's what you need to do. It will cost more to fly back if something goes wrong, this is your future. Whatever happens. Good luck!

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous becks 

Things will work out! I just know it! ;)

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous alice 

Well the Clash was a great band.

You know how every marriage seems to have that rough patch where everything is just bonkers?
This MUST be yours.

Which is kind of a good thing because it doesnt involve flashy sports cars or pool boys or gambling or drugs or any of that.
AND its right at the beginning so its out of the way.

Remember to breathe and that love beats everything, even rocks, but rocks beat scissors so always be careful with scissors.

Like another wise musician once said "everything is gonna be alright"

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous alice 

oh yeah and if you didnt point out Eric in the photo I would never have seen him! A quick look and I thought, what a great photo with that bumpy tree.
Not that Eric looks like a bumpy tree.

Okay.

Good luck, hang in there!

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous autum 

i have been silent lately partly b/c i didn't know what to say and was worried i would only make it worse, and partly b/c i've just been so damn busy. but, i wanted to tell you to be safe, have a safe trip. just like alice said, love beats everything, you two will be good no matter what. lots of love and good wishes going your guys' way. i hope eric charms the hell out of those people next week and maybe they'll give him his green card as he walks out the door! :o) okay, maybe not, but i hope it's very close to that.

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous Anonymous 

You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place there.

Sometimes in situations like that I ask myself "What is most important?"

In the end you will always do what is right. Good luck to both of you.

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous Ricky 

Just so you know, I would give my right arm to have the kind of love you and Eric have. Even if it meant spending some time apart across an ocean..... its just a little time... you and Eric have years ahead of you..

But then again, since I've never actually been in love like that, I should probably shut up.. :-)

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous Acorn 

I always thought the phrase "If I stay there will be double" meant that there'll be two of them, that they'll be together, doubled up. Hmh. Well, sister girlfriend, I'm thinking about you!

At May 12, 2006, Blogger Stacia 

I'm sure things will go smoothly for Eric. You've been married long enough that the interview should be ok. Don't worry too much and enjoy seeing your family!

At May 12, 2006, Anonymous Tenshi 

You sound cold and displaced. Don't shut down. You need to keep yourself open, and you two can not be separated for long - life won't allow it.

At May 13, 2006, Blogger Tara 

What airline are you flying with? Usually, if its non-refundable you can still change your date for a fee. That way you wouldn't be losing ALL of your money. I guess it depends on the airline.
If it were me, I would get on the plane. But I'm a cold hearted bitch. It's no wonder I'm single.
Whatever decision you make I'm sure it will be the right one.
Good luck.

At May 13, 2006, Blogger Lyndon 

Wow, that's such a tough decision to leave someone behind. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

I really hope everything works out and the both of you have a happy ending.

I know everyone else has said it, but GOOD LUCK. If it helps, I'll keep my fingers crossed.

At May 14, 2006, Anonymous Jen 

Hope your flight was ok! Thinking about you and praying that everything is ok. Let us know how you are doing when you have a change! *hugs* Jen

At February 20, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous 

That's a great story. Waiting for more. » »

At March 05, 2007, Anonymous Anonymous 

That's a great story. Waiting for more. »



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