She just kissed me.
She leaned in towards me slightly, distracted by all those other things happening around us in the coffee shop, trying to observe something to the right of her with her pupils locked in, pulling her head slightly sideways, as if there were strings connnecting her pupils with the object of observation. Then just before our lips touched, that moment when it all disappears, like a magnetic pull reaching critical limit to overwrite all other focus, the whole world gives, collapsing into just ...lips. An involuntary unexcelled complete awakening. So soft, so warm. ..Like ..mmh...like, someone pulls the plug on all your worries, those warning lights on your dashboard stop blinking for attention and with a nothing-special kind-of-attitude perform a little butterflydance. Your windshield is suddenly crystal clear and outside you see the beauty of all things, the trees rushing by smiling at you and the birds giving you a benevolent "you're-the-man"-wink. You forget all that you've ever been angry about. Like your average coffee break acid trip.
Afterwards you give your head a slight shake:"What was I thinking again?." But it doesn"t matter, really...
That kiss... Every kiss.
Well, I guess I might have imagined something like this, the first time I saw Clarity, but to be honest, it was probably a little more raunchy, like "God! -what an a fine piece of ...!" . Seriously, most guys would have. She just is that kind of a sight. But it didn't take long until "it" happened.
She rushed through the living room giving everyone an equally warm smile, she cast me a glance and disappeared with a look of determination, to finish what ever business she had in one of the apartment bedrooms.
It was an exciting night and like all nights in those first days of College, it was laden with promises. After all we had gotten used to promises being fullfilled on a daily basis. Just being here, here in College was the accumulation of all my dreams. Studying in America, being secluded amongst other artists;-like you see in those American television shows and no one had any parents here to tell us anything.
So the group of guys, who had just been smiled at so warmly, gave each other excited glances and nodded in unanimous agreement. I turned around and saw her in the hallway between the bedrooms gesturing dramatically.
I drank up her sight, slightly buzzed from the night and a beer that had been handed to me.
When she disappeared again, One of the guys leaned in and motioned the other to form a huddle, then paused dramatically and said:" Forget it! - .....That chick is, like...MARRIED!"
Then he smiled with the satisfaction of now being an authority on the subject at hand. With obvious joy he observed how the guys fell back into their slumped positions on the sofa letting out a deflating sigh. Everyone except me! Because,...on me this remark had a profoundly different effect. I felt excited in a very different way. I have to explain that with my limited knowledge of english I completely disregarded the little word “LIKE"....(married). I thought she WAS married
I had to turn around again catching glances of her now and then,as she moved to and fro, sucking up her movements with an entirely different quality of emotion. I felt something warm, something unfamiliar. I felt like the world had taken an unexpected quantum leap, something unusual. I felt in my deepest core a shift of paradigm, a new beginning...the world opening.
"Go talk to her!", someone ripped me out of my daydream. "...?" I looked at the three guys in bewilderment searching for the one who had addressed me. "The party Dude! You were looking for a party. Well,...she is going to one. Go get directions!"
"Oh,... yeah!" I mumbled, got up and walk over to the bedrooms. She was still engaged in noisy negotiations, I waited till everyone seemed happy with the information exchanged. I did my best to sound calm as I ask her whether I could join their party. She responded as welcoming as I had expected and immediately folded up her Forehead in the cutest gesture of concern, thinking out loud how we could fit me into the small 2 door hatchback, which was their transportation to the party.
"I have a car." I interrupted her train of thought.
As we walked out through the maze of balconies and staircases, I could feel her intense presence. I immediately noticed how observant she was, how kind. She ask me all kinds of questions (some of bizarre nature). As soon as I had told her, I was from Germany she was talking in a more slow and pronunciated manner, as if I my former verbal utterings as a proof of my ability to speak and understand English were suddenly completely overwritten by the fact that I was from Germany.
But for what seemed like an eternity of time I couldn"t even correct her mistake, I didn"t even notice. All I could think and feel was the resonance of that shift in me that had changed my world a minute ago. I couldnt get enough of her sight. All desire to jump her bones or expose her breast in a daydream had vanished. I was filled with the astonishment of spiritual break through.
"Married" I thought. She is married. That presence of her that filled an entire college apartment and x-rayed everyone in there, such a presence had in my world, nothing, but absolutely nothing to do with the word "married". It was impossible! But there she was, living and breathing proof ...talking to me in slow overpronunciated words and radiant with an irresistable field of warmth and kindness. And I thought what I never thought before. I thought what I had been excesively trained by my very mother NOT to think. I overcame all odds and formed the words in my head: "I.. want ..to.. get.. married....I WANT to get married."
Everything else that happened that night was inconsequential. It didn't matter. I didn't mind that she just gave me a quick "Hi, here we are!" at the party and then disappeared inbetween the beerspills and grinding crowd. Sure I tried to find her just to catch another glimpse of her. But by no means did I feel, that there was anything greater that she could have done for me, than what she already had done. It was the day she first changed who I was. Whether there would be other ways in which she could do the same for me again...it did not matter. I was a happy man.
Today, 7 years later. It's our 3rd year wedding anniversary.
And I am a happy man and I couldn't imagine being happier.
"Someone like you
Makes it all worth while
Someone like you
keeps me satisfied
The best is yet to come"
Happy Anniversary, my love